


A Reluctant Heroine

by Miss Ebil (MissEbil)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Loss of Limbs, Major Character Injury, Self-Sacrifice, Surgery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 19:03:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9198737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissEbil/pseuds/Miss%20Ebil
Summary: A young engineer catches the eye of Thane Krios, surprising herself as well as the entire crew of the Normandy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a re-post of an old fic of mine from fanfiction dot net, started in 2010 and I never got around to finishing it because I was so let down by the ending of ME3. I aim to get more of it done in the future.

The team was assembled. Commander Shepard's team would follow her anywhere, they had been through hell and fire and now this was the last stand. They had made it through the Omega 4 Relay, the Collector base was just outside, they had to be stopped and the crew of the Normandy were the only people who could.

Lillabeth White's mind wondered as the Commander made his usual inspiring speech, she'd heard him rally the troops so many times over the last few years that she could predict what he was going to say. 'We are the only hope, we are the best, blah, blah.' she thought to herself, 'Sure, but it doesn't make this any more frightening.' Wringing her hands for the fiftieth time in the past quarter of an hour, Lillabeth longed to check her omnitool again, make doubly sure she had everything she would need. No, she had checked, her checks were always thorough and she would not have missed anything. Her attention returned to the meeting as a hologram of the Collector base blinked into existence over the table.

EDI's calm voice announced: "You should be able to overload their critical systems if you get to the main control centre here." Her systems indicated a point deep within the base.

Jacob consulted his omnitool, "That means going through the heart of the station. Right past this massive energy signature." he indicated a huge section of the base and Lillabeth's heart dropped a little. They were bound to have high security all through there and gunfights always made her nervous. She could feel the knot forming in her stomach even as the team continued to plan the incursion.

"That's the central chamber. If our crew or any of the colonists are still alive, the Collectors are probably holding them in there." Shepard seemed as determined as ever to save everyone. It truly was a gift, his determination, but Lillabeth found his permanent hero-complex to be confusing. There was no way she would have the energy or nerve to save everyone, to give everything like that. It was why she admired him as well as wondered why he would want to give his life in the defence of others. Lillabeth had become steadfast friends with Kelly, the yeoman of the Normandy and now Kelly was trapped in there with all the other humans. Lillabeth's stomach leaped, confused and torn between wanting to storm in and rescue her friend, or just to grieve for her loss and move back to civilisation.

Jacob consulted EDI's scans again, "Looks like there are two main routes. Might be a good idea to split up to keep the Collectors off balance, then regroup in the central chamber."

"No good." Miranda. Lillabeth could not stand the genetically-engineered Miss Perfect. The way Miranda always wanted to do things her way. Cerberus' way. To go against the Commander so much, Lillabeth would not dream of it. Shepard was a seasoned officer, he knew how to keep people alive, to get the job done with the minimal of casualties. But all Miss Perfect wanted was to get the most out of the situation for her and for her stinking company, to squeeze money out of anything no matter the cost in lives. Lillabeth's face burned as Miranda continued: "Both routes are blocked. See those doors? The only way past is to get someone to open them from the other side."

"If we send a team down each path, they can keep the Collectors busy while someone else sneaks in through this ventilation shaft here." Shepard knew what to do.

"Practically a suicide mission, I volunteer." Jacob volunteered. 'Typical, always trying too hard to play the hero. Always trying to be the next Shepard.'

"I appreciate the thought, Jacob, but you couldn't shut down the security systems in time. We need to send a tech expert.", 'There goes Miranda again, trying to take over'.

"It's your call, Commander. Who do we send into the shaft?"

Shepard looked down at the table, his face must have been thoughtful behind his helmet and everyone in the room could feel the tension spike. Like Jacob had said, it was practically a suicide mission, but it had to be done. Like everything else today, it was a case of need.

"We need someone who can move fast and hack even faster. Lil, you're up."

The room suddenly seemed hot, everything seemed to glow with a neon edge as Lillabeth felt herself falling, yet she did not move. Her insides dropped through the floor of the ship, leaving a cold sensation in her stomach and her skin prickling with heat as Shepard continued to split the crew into two teams. A low whistling noise blocked out the rest of her Commander's inspiring speech, leaving her mind empty or all but one thought. The entire team was relying on her and she would have to go in alone.


	2. Chapter 2

The team disassembled in the sombre silence expected of them in a situation of such gravity, their eyes downcast as they made their way from the meeting and through the ship to the airlock. The lack of crew made the ship eerily silent, only serving to enhance the mood and make Lil feel physically sick. Lillabeth was backup, an engineer, support not the one you depended on.

What remained of the crew reached the airlock and stood in silence, some meditating, praying, others checking equipment. The little things every one of them does for luck before the fight. Lil reached down to her left hip and took her pistol off the clip on her light armour, bringing it close to her chest, she checked the mechanism was smooth and that the heat clips were working. Forcing her mind to think past the weight of responsibility, she tried to think how many spare clips she had. Closing her eyes she hoped, prayed to herself that she would not need her gun.

A firm hand grasped hers, causing her to look up sharply. Thane Krios, the sombre drell assassin stood at her right shoulder, his large eyes black in the dim light as he gazed at her.

His deep, almost rasping voice was quiet in the silence, yet it seemed to fill her ears. "May Arashu protect you, Lillabeth. For all our sakes." Their eyes locked, his hand still a gentle pressure on hers for a lingering moment, then the airlock alarm sounded and everyone donned their helmets. All she could do was nod to Thane, and then the door was open.

In the silence of her environmental suit, Lil was alone. Her skin began to throb to the beat of her pulse and the low whistle returned to fill her ears as the team filed out of the Normandy and into the dull red light of the Collector base. 'Shit, shit, shit, this is it.' One last look over the squad, they nodded to her, then Lil's legs moved without thought as the crew set out.

The inside of the Collector's base was disgusting. That was the only word Lil could think of to describe it. It looked as if it had congealed, or grown around the debris in this dead-end part of space. As she walked up to the small grate that covered the ventilation shaft, she could have sworn the walls moved, shuddered as if with a breath. With her stomach churning, she opened the grate and set the panel aside. It was a close fit, but her petite frame allowed Lil some movement as she crawled into the darkness of the angled shaft. Tapping a few controls, she activated the light of her omnitool and looked up. Far above there were pinpricks of light that shrank away with the height of the duct as it curved up to a vertical stretch. 'That's a long climb,' Lil thought to herself, then with a deep breath, she braced her back against one wall of the duct and began the ascent.

'This is such a cliché, I feel like I've been in here for hours.' Lil had reached the vertical section of the ventilation shaft some time ago, the climb was exhausting. Her back, arms and legs all ached but somehow she was still moving. Sweat trickled down Lil's neck and into the collar of her bodysuit. Exhausted, she braced herself against the inside of the pipe and relaxed as much as she dared. The air was much warmer in the vertical section of the vent, taking a deep breath, she tried to cool herself as she took a short break from climbing, but the air was warm and stifling. Panting, she leaned her head against the metal panel behind her. The panel was warm, even through her light armour and when Lil opened her eyes and looked closely, there was none of the usual condensation of a cool vent. Someone had turned the heating on and she had not noticed until now, as she felt another bead of sweat trace a cool line to the base of her spine, then soak into her suit. She had thought that it had just been the exertion of the climb, but as she rested, Lil could feel the oppressive heat coming from above her. A faint hum from a fan above her throbbed in her ears, the more she breathed in, the warmer she felt. Activating her radio, she hesitated a moment before speaking:

"Shepard?" she spoke tentatively, her face lit only by the orange glow of her omnitool, her lip quivered as she heard a burst of gunfire before her commander's voice.

"Yeah, Lil. What is it?" he said, punctuating his sentences with more bursts of gunfire.

"It's getting awfully hot in here. I think some of the heating systems are still online, but I can't do anything from here. Can you see any panels or switches where you are?"

"There's a panel on the far side of the room." A loud explosion and the sound of a voice in pain that made Lil shudder. "We're taking heavy fire, but I'll see what I can do."

"Please hurry Shepard," Lil fought a dry throat as she felt the warm air coming down from the top of the pipe. "It's getting hotter in here by the second and I don't think I can stand much more."

"I don't want roast techie on my watch!" Shepard seemed to shout this last sentence to the room he was in before the communicator cut out and Lil was in the oppressive silence of the vent once more.

'Please, don't let me die in here. Not like this. Please, not like this.' Lillabeth found herself fighting back tears. 'I can't cry. I'm a member of the god dam Alliance Military.' Holding back a sob, she closed her eyes tightly and just hoped.

From somewhere above there was a mechanical click, followed by the slowing of a fan. The blast of warm air from above her slowed and she could breathe again, opening her eyes and relaxing muscles that she had not even realised she was tensing. The heat was lifting like a weight from her chest. Taking deep breaths, she could feel each become easier than the last.

"Lil? Are you okay?" Shepard's voice cut through the new found silence of the vent.

"Thank you, Shepard." Her voice belied her previous worry, faint and breathy.

"No problem, Lil." he replied, "We need you for this to work."

'No pressure, then.' she thought to herself, remembering after her moment of panic, just how crucial she was to this mission. It was probable that everyone would die here, but as least if she did her pant properly, it would mean that they would take the Collectors with them.

Understanding, now, some of what Shepard felt during these sort of campaigns, some of why he always did what he did, Lil felt a surge of energy that steeled her to continue. Finding purchase on the bolted seam of the vent, she pushed herself upwards.

As she ascended, the sound of a fan returned faintly above her, signalling another heater was active somewhere. Activating her radio again, she called her Commander.

"Shepard? There's another heater on in here. I'll keep going but it's going to get hot in here. Can you find any more controls?"

"Got it, Lil. I can see another control from here."

"I get the feeling there's going to be more of them before I get out, so can you keep your eye open for more panels? I'll radio if I get too close."

"Check." Shepard replied and a moment later, the fan cut out above Lil. This was going to be a long climb.


	3. Chapter 3

Eight grates and what seemed like miles of pipe later, Lil found the exit to the ventilation shaft and climbed out, dropping the last grate on the floor with a metallic clang. The room was much like the rest of the Collector base, it seemed almost organic, though the floors were definitely some sort of metal alloy, almost stone-like in appearance, with various stage-like platforms leading to a door on the far side of the chamber.

The doors she was here to open were to either side of her and after a quick check of the building schematics, Lil headed to the door to her left. It opened easily as her fingers deftly worked the holopanel. Garrus and most of the remaining crew made it through the door quickly, then Lil closed and locked it behind them.

"Good work, Lil." Garrus said, wiping dirt from his leathery brow. He keyed his communicator; "Shepard, we're in. What's your status?"

"I see the door now," The radio crackled with weapons fire, "but we have heavy resistance. Be ready to get that door open!"

"Gotcha," Lil said, already kneeling in front of the next holopanel, her fingers working swiftly over the projected controls. Something was wrong though. This door was taking longer and it did not have the same protocols as the first, it was like something else was blocking her. 'Maybe a Harbinger knows where we are,' she thought, 'Wait, of course they know we're here, Shepard just came marching in, guns blazing. So what is it?'

It had to be something in the local system, another security block on another panel that she would have to release first. Noticing a new panel had appeared in the middle of the two doors, Lil rushed to it. "Damn secondary locks," she muttered to herself, "I'll be with you in a second, Shepard."

"Hurry it up, Lil, we got heavy weapons inbound!"

"Just about – there, that got it!" she slammed her palm into the now-green central control and the doors started to open.

More gunfire tore through the silence in the huge room, bullets and energy bursts hitting the back wall as Shepard's team rushed backwards through the door.

"Close it!" Shepard shouted as soon as his team was through the small gap.

Lil hit the button again and the doors began to slide closed slowly. Too slowly. Looking out into the smaller room where Shepard and his team had entered from, she saw a Collector levelling a large energy weapon. It was pointed right at her commander, though he was too busy fighting a group of them to his left to notice the assassin. In a split second, Lil's mind worked. Shepard's shields were taking a beating from the small weapons fire, there was no way that it could stand up to a particle beam.

"Shepard!" Lil screamed, her feet already moving towards him of their own accord. Seeing him turn towards her, in that inevitable slow motion, and not the assassin, she dove at him. She felt herself hit the commander in the chest with her entire body weight, felt him move under her and then there was a heat. A heat that burned at her right side with a heat so strong that it almost felt cold.

Lillabeth blacked out before she and Shepard hit the floor.


	4. Chapter 4

Bright lights shone red through Lil's eyelids. The sharp tang of antiseptic filled her nose.

'Must be hospital,' Lil's mind was sluggish with a combination of shock and drugs. With a little effort, she was able to focus her mind to waking and the mumble of voices that had seemed so far away just a second ago cleared. Another moment and she was able to recognise them.

"I'm fine, doctor, stop worrying about me. How is Lil doing?" It was Commander Shepard, his voice low and full of concern.

"She's been stable for a while now and there's nothing serious now, she's just going to need some time to recover." Dr Chakwas' soothing voice reached her ears.

"I think after this, we all need some time off. We're due some shore leave soon, I think I might put it forward a little."

"I can't say that I wouldn't welcome the break, Shepard."

"Wh-what happened?" Lil managed to squeeze out a few words before her throat closed around a dry lump, sticking to the next words before they could come out. She screwed her eyes shut tighter, wincing with the effort of speaking.

"Lillabeth," Chakwas' voice came closer, "You're awake. How do you feel? Any dizziness, nausea?"

Lil felt the doctor's hand on her arm, then Shepard spoke; "Can you sit up?"

She swallowed the dry lump in her throat, "I think so," she whispered, gingerly opening her eyes and letting in the blinding light. With a deep breath she braced her arms to push herself upwards, only to find her right arm protested with a searing pain right up to her shoulder. Leaning onto her left arm she awkwardly pushed herself upwards with a little help from the worried doctor.

"Shit, that hurts. What happened? How long was I out?"

"I don't know what happened before Shepard got me out of that tube, but when I got to you, you were already out and in a pretty bad way." Chakwas explained,

"It was a miracle you even survived, Lil. That beam hit you full on and ripped right through your shield and armour." Shepard paced as he spoke, "If it had hit me, on top of all that other fire, I know I wouldn't be here now. You saved my life," he looked almost embarrassed, "Thanks."

Lil shifted and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, "You don't think in places like that, Commander, you just act." Despite her brave words, Lil's stomach churned at the thought of her own mortality. "What's the damage, doctor? Anything I need to know about? My arm sure hurts like hell."

"It'll hurt for a while yet, Lil." Chakwas perched on the edge of Lil's cot, "There isn't anything serious now," she said slowly, "But when we got you back to the ship, it was too late to just patch you up with medigel. There was extensive damage to your right arm, particularly your hand, so I'm afraid we had to operate."

"Operate?" Lil's voice shook as she spoke, looking down at her hand. With the advances in technology, operations were rare, with most things being fixed with medigel or nanomachines. "But my arm looks fine, apart from a couple of scars. How bad could it have been?"

"To put it bluntly, you lost most of your hand. We had to replace most of it with cybernetics and implants, then force grow some new skin rapidly, in sections to graft it on before the remaining muscles began to scar."

Looking closer now at her hand, Lil was the patchwork pattern of the newly-grown skin, the scars tracing a wide lattice that stretched up most of her forearm. Around her elbow, the skn colour was darker where her skin had survived the blast, but had been badly burned, giving the effect of her wearing some sort of pale, morbid glove. She tested her hand, clenching and flexingher fingers, turning her hand over and back, "But I can feel it, when I move it. It doesn't feel quite right but I can feel it."

"The nanotechnology is linked into your nervous system. It reproduced sensation and the feeling of movement as accurate-"

"Lil, it's the best we have." Shepard spoke for the first time in a few minutes, cutting Dr Chakwas off. "Sure, it's not the same, but the Doc did a good job. I'm just glad you're alive. I couldn't have handled if anyone didn't survive that mission, least of all the woman that saved me." he approached Lil's bed. "Come on, I'll give you a had back to your quarters so you can rest. Not that you'll get much for a while, I expect everyone's going to want to check on the ship's new heroine."

"Thanks, Shepard," Lil sighed as she sank onto her bunk, "I guess I should prepare for the influx of visitors, but I just want to sleep."

"Best get a quick nap in, then," her commander rose and paced to the door. Turning, he smiled, "Tell you what, I'll try and head everyone off for a while, let you at least get some rest."

"Thanks, Shepard." she paused, "I seem to be saying that a lot lately." she chuckled.

"I should be the one thanking you, Lil," he seemed more relieved now that she was out of the medical lab, smiling still as he turned to leave.

"Shepard. You never told me how long I was out."

The Commander sighed, "About two days. We're back through the relay and in orbit around Illium for the time being. I think we might stay here for some shore leave," he grinned then like a proud brother, "You've done well, Lil. Get some rest."

The engineer nodded as her commander left, the door swooshing shut behind him to leave Lil in the silence of the empty room. Swinging her legs around, she lay back on the bed, her arm protesting as she made herself comfortable. With a deep breath, Lil tried to clear her mind so she could try and remember what had happened on the base, but her mind remained a confused collection of thoughts, images and memories from her life.

The day she joined the Alliance Military, a scared young woman barely more than a child... Working harder than she thought possible to push her body to be as quick as her mind... Her first combat drone... Her mother's face at her passing out parade... Her first kiss, Ben, her neighbour, behind the stadium on sports day... The first man she loved, his smile, his betrayal... Drinking with her squaddies on shore leave... Meeting Shepard, the hero of the Skyllian Blitz... Leaving the Military to take the chance of her lifetime as a Cerberus engineer... The Commander joining... Asking her personally to be on his crew... Meeting everyone on the Normandy... Making friends with Kelly, the yeoman...

So much had happened in her life that she had not realised. Lil always thought of herself as a standard, normal sort of person. She was support, background, a junior officer, middle of the pile and she was happy with that. Though there was a niggling feeling that everything was about to change.


	5. Chapter 5

"Well, I guess I should let you get some rest before everyone comes." Kelly chuckled a little, "Funny how the people wishing you best are the ones that disturb what you really need. Anyway, I'll get gone and see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure thing," Lil smiled for what felt like the first time in weeks, feeling better in herself for seeing her best friend. Kelly Chambers had visited Lil not long after Shepard had given the engineer a hand back to her quarters, bringing well wishes and a slice of what passed for normality on the Normandy.

"Commander finally announced the shore leave he's been toying with for the past couple of days. I've some friends from way back when on Illium, so you're coming out to party with us. See you, Lil."

"See you tomorrow, Kelly." Lil smiled at her friend's attitude. Some would call her pushy, but that was just Kelly's way, and Lil was the following sort, so she was quite content to have Kelly lead her.

Deciding she was not going to get much rest, despite what the Commander had said, she rose from her bunk and paced to the porthole. The black of space always calmed her, made her problems seem smaller in the great scheme of things, reminded her of the balmy summer evenings back on Earth when she and her mother would lie on their back lawn and stare into the sky. They would watch from dusk as the stars appeared above them, the longer and harder she looked, the more starts seemed to appear out of the gathering dark.

A small pain in her arm mirrored the pain in her heart as she remembered what her mother had been like then. Strong and resilient, yet quiet and the warmest heart that Lil had ever known. Early onset dimentia is what the doctor had called it, but it seemed too sudden to Lil. Secretly she thought it was the loss of her father that had broken that strong woman. It was barely a week after she was told of her husband's death at the hands of batarian pirates that Helena White had started to lose her mind. She had regressed, they said, into an almost child-like state, but she sometimes still remembered her daughter. Those moments, when her mother's eyes lit up just to see her, made Lil know there was something left, just locked up, deep inside Helena's mind. The one thing Lil needed right now was a hug, and mothers always gave the best hugs.

To her surprise, it was almost an hour before anyone else came to visit Lil. Tali'Zorah was the next crew member to knock on her door, concerned for Lil and wanting to offer her congratulations.

"You did a great job on those doors, Lil," she said, "I'm not sure I could have got them open and everyone out in time."

It was a high accolade to be told she may just be better with some technology than a quarian. Lil thanked Tali and reassured her that all quarians knew more about spaceships and that Lil would stick to computer systems and weapons tech from now on.

Next to come calling was Garrus, slightly nervous at first and bringing her a bottle of exotic fruit juice that he mumbled something about his mother saying would cure anything. After a little while, he loosened up and broached the subject of her arm.

"Doc did a good job there, I see," he said, his mandibles twitching in a turian smirk, "More than I can say for me, huh?"

"It doesn't look so bad," Lil motioned to the side of his face that had been shattered in his fight with mercenaries on Omega. "You can barely see the join. Slap some face paint on and nobody would tell the difference."

"Ha ha," Garrus said sarcastically, "But I guess you're half right, we'll always know, huh?"

"Suppose," Lil murmured, looking at her hand again as she flexed it.

"Hey!" Garrus' unwitting Fonze impression made Lil smile, "Don't be down, kid." he walked over to the door. "You know why we've got these, right?" he pointed to his face.

"Um," Lil frowned at the turian.

"Because we're badasses." he left with a victorious arm pump and a smug look.

A few more of the crew stopped by before Shepard came back to tell her about the shore leave.

"I hope you can make it to the planet tomorrow," the commander said from the doorway. "You going to be okay?"

"Yes, Commander," Lil replied sarcastically. "I got just about everyone looking after me now, I just want some rest and some time to figure things out."

"I hear you, and I get the hint," he leaned up from the doorframe. "Come see me before you go ashore tomorrow, we still have a debriefing. You know how Cerberus are with red tape."

"Yes, Commander." Lil made a mock salute as Shepard left, then sank back into her cot, exhausted but slightly more relaxed now that she had realised this was not some nightmare, she was okay and so were the rest of the crew. Thanks to her.

Closing her eyes with a sigh, she felt some of the panic lift, only to be replaced with the weight of responsibility now that she really realised that she was the hero of the Normandy. That if it was not for her actions that day, it was a very real possibility that all organic life would be dead or enslaved by the Reapers. There would be a lot expected of her in the near future, from the crew, from the Council and maybe even all of humanity. Feeling her body seem to sink lower into the bedding, Lil found it curious that she was not really thinking any more, and then her body took over. Her mind shut down as exhaustion and trauma took their toll, she slipped into a deep sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Pain. Burning pain. Her arm was on fire, her entire side was smouldering as she felt the flesh burn from her. Charring bone. Her face blistering. The pain was like a white light burning in her skull, a high, persistent note in her ears and the smell. The smell of blood and death choked her until she could breathe no more. Gasping, she clawed at the emptiness, seeing nothing but the light, feeling nothing but the burning agony.

Lillabeth awoke, panting and coughing, clawing to get out of her sweat-soaked sheets. Wrestling her way free, she sat up into the cool air of her quarters, blinking in the dull light of the artificial night, her injured arm still hot with the memory of the pain. Stroking the burnt upper part of her arm, now bare to the air, she could feel that the sensation was wrong, somehow, like it was displaced just by a few millimetres. Yet it did not look as bad in the low, blue light.

She lay back down, staring at the metal ceiling as her breathing calmed. Trying to get back to sleep was probably going to be a fruitless exercise now that she was wide awake and she definitely did not want to have that dream again. So, Lil slid out of her bed and slipped into some casual trousers, deciding against a shirt that she picked up and leaving her room with only the black cotton camisole she wore to bed on.

Her bare feet made gentle slapping sounds as she went out onto the corridor and turned for the elevator. A gentle orange glow from the doorway to life support caught her eye. The door was open, a rare thing, and so Lil's natural curiosity led her straight to it, moving smoothly over the metal so as not to disturb whatever was going on inside. Reaching the door frame, she edged around it slowly to stand in the middle of the metal archway.

Inside, the drell assassin, Thane Krios, sat with his back to the door, cross-legged on the floor. The orange glow came from the equipment as it silently worked to keep all of the crew alive. Thane sat perfectly still, save for the very slow movement of his shoulders as he breathed deeply. Lil backed slowly away from the doorway, yet her eyes did not leave his back. There was always something strange about him, an air of mystery that seemed to cool any room he walked into. It made Lil a little nervous, but she was still intrigued by the drell, mostly about what he had said before the mission. Thane had been the only one to wish her luck, in his own way, and that had surprised her as she could not recall another time when he had said a word to her.

Finding herself leaning on the wall of the corridor, Lil almost made an unconscious move to speak to Thane before her conscious mind took over, telling her that she should not disturb him and also reminding her of how intimidating an assassin could be.

"Do not be afraid," Thane's deep, throaty voice cut through the silence, his calm cadence a perfect match to his cool aura, "If you have any questions, I will happily answer them. It is the least I can do for the warrior who saved Shepard and probably saved us all." Only then did he stand, turning as he did to face her in such a quick but graceful movement, he could have been dancing. Yet Lil doubted somehow that Thane ever danced.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, "I didn't mean to disturb you. I was just walking, I couldn't sleep, there was - "

Thane cut her off with a wave of his hand, "There is no need to explain yourself to me, Lillabeth. You have been through a lot, and I know more than most what it is like to relieve the moments you would rather forget." His face seemed to empty of emotion, blank, as if he were fighting some sort of feeling within himself. A second later, and his calm gaze returned to normal. "If you would like to talk, I am done with my meditations. I too have been having trouble sleeping of late."

"Erm, thanks, but no thanks." Lil was still wary of the drell and did not feel like the company of anyone right then, especially someone she was uncomfortable with. "I need some time alone right now, think things over."

"I understand." Thane nodded once as Lil stood up from the wall, "If you feel the need to talk, I am always happy to listen."

"Thank you," Lil said quietly, "Well, goodnight." she forced an awkward smile, confused as to why Thane would suddenly seem to interested in wanting to talk to her.

A few minutes later, Lil found herself on the starboard observation deck, the large window letting the light of a thousand stars bathe her in pale radiance. Relaxing almost immediately, Lil paced over to the window, putting her hand on the cool glass. This close to the blackness of space, she could lose herself just staring at it. Her eyes never leaving the glittering black velvet, she sat on one of the two bench seats in the room and hugged her knees.

Samara had apparently left while Lil was unconscious in the medical bay and the engineer had mixed feelings over her absence. She had always found the Justicar to be intimidating, her biotic powers were developed beyond most asari, certainly more than any human could hope to achieve. And yet, there was something oddly calming about her too. Lil had always been sensitive to peoples' moods, their auras, in the sense that she would pick up on their dominant emotions and would find herself mirroring them to some degree. The strong personalities on the new Normandy had only served to heighten her sense, leaving her drained sometimes after the barrage of mixed emotions across the ship.

Some remnant of Samara's matriarchal presence seemed to linger in the room, though it may have just been Lil's imagination conjuring the atmosphere that she needed to relax. Lil breathed in the cool, recirculated air, closing her eyes and letting the after image of the stars fade behind her eyelids as she drifted off to sleep again.


	7. Chapter 7

Having woken again earlier than most of the crew, Lil made her way back to her quarters to get dressed. Cerberus had much more relaxed rules on uniform, so she dressed in her favourite, comfy black trousers and a fitting, blue t-shirt. No matter what she missed from being in the Alliance military, the private sector always had more than enough perks to compensate. Like Joker was fond of saying, nothing quite beat working for someone with a big budget.

The Normandy had docked at Nos Astra at first light, dock time, and Lil set out as soon as the docking procedures were over. Taking advantage of the quiet of early morning, she left the ship to walk into the pale yellow of an alien sunrise.

Glad to be in the fresh air, Lil took deep breaths to begin the cleansing of her troubled mind, taking in the spaceport smell that was the same on every planet she had been to. Fuel, warm metal and static filled her nose with a familiar tingling. She made her way out of the docking bay with her heart feeling a little lighter for the familiarity of the port. Nos Astra security registered her to be free to roam the planet, all Cerberus employees had above average security clearance all over the systems in which they operate. Again Lil could not help but love the advantages of big-budget business. Things went smoothly with security and within a few minutes, she was back out into the sunshine, the impressive vista of Illium in front of her and the knowledge she was free for the day.

The skyline was golden in the early light, buildings glistening like jewels and air cars tracing faint lines across the sky. Captured by the beauty, Lil walked up to the balcony rail, leaning both hands on the cool metal and looked out over the city. There were a few people moving over the various levels of the city, mostly asari business women going to offices and stalls throughout the district. The bright colours of their dresses stood out against the pale metallics of the architecture and their graceful shadows were cast long with the low sun.

Lil stepped away from the railing and started towards the market district. It was a hive of quiet activity as shop and stall owners fired up their kiosks and checked various types of stock. The sheer normality of planet life at first began to soothe Lil's turbulent mind, until she thought of all that she and the crew of the Normandy had been through. No matter what was happening in the far reaches of the system, places like Nos Astra would continue, oblivious to any threat until it was dropped in their lap. All because people like the Citadel Council refused to believe anything could possibly attack their little slice of heaven. Even now, when the Citadel itself had nearly been destroyed, they still refused to even acknowledge the Reapers.

Lil's increasingly angry steps had, by now, led her to the bar of Eternity, overlooking the trading floors and unconsciously she made her way over to the bar and sat down heavily.

"You look like you could use a drink," the asari barmaid said as she made her way over to Lil, wiping the already spotless bar with a soft cloth. "Then again, this is a bar, so most people who come here do." Her voice seemed to lack some of the grace most asari seemed to give off, yet there was something about her tone that said she did not lack the wisdom of such a long-lived species.

"Yeah," Lil sighed as she leaned down on the bar, "Give me something tasty, sweet. Something I can lose myself in without losing my wits."

"Well, if something's troubling you, you stormed into the right bar today, kid." The asari brought out a small glass cylinder from under the bar and poured Lil a glass of the pale pink liquid inside. Lil lifted her omnitool to the terminal beside her and set up her tab, Cerberus owed her a couple of drinks. Shifting the glass across the bar with her fingertips, the barmaid continued: "Name's Aethyta, bartender and asari matriarch. Oh don't look at me like that, plenty of matriarchs leave Thessia after they mature.

Lil smiled a little despite herself, "I bet there's not many tending bars. How did you end up here?"

"Nobody seemed to like my advice much, said I was too blunt for diplomacy and my ideas were too different for most. They laughed the blue off my ass when I said we needed to keep young asari from just becoming strippers or mercenaries," she sighed, "So now I serve drinks and give some good advice to where at least some people appreciate it."

"I guess I did come to the right place, then." Lil took a sip of her drink, "I need advice, the trouble is, I don't know what to ask about."


	8. Chapter 8

"Start by telling me about yourself, then maybe we can work on what's gone on lately," Aetheta said, leaning on the opposite side of the bar to Lil.

"Not much to tell," Lil took a sip of her drink, "Grew up in your average military family. Dad was away most of the time, wherever there was a new front line, they'd send him. He was a tactician, see, best in the whole damn Alliance." she sighed heavily, "Of course it didn't do my mum any good; she'd put on a brave face and say she was fine, but really she must have been breaking apart inside.

"It was just me and her most of the time, we didn't really have much other family and neither of us make friends easily. So I was a good kid, quiet, got on with my work at school, got semi-decent grades and got into college on the Alliance Family Plan."

"What happened to your family? You don't seem the type to leave them behind to trawl the stars."

"Dad was out on the frontier, he insisted on seeing the front line himself, and he and his team were captured by batarian pirates. I don't even know where he was, but when the Alliance refused to pay a random for him, those batarian bastards killed him on the spot." gazing into her drink, Lil's expression was a mix of glossy-eyes pain and stoic determination. Shaking her head as if to clear her thoughts, she downed the rest of her drink and held out the empty glass for the bartender to refill.

The asari filled the glass while looking deeply at Lil, "So you joined the military in the hope you could one day get them back?" she asked "For revenge?"

"Yeah, seems stupid now, but after my mum- after she-" Lil sighed again, "Losing my dad broke her. She just snapped and her mind went back to thinking she was fifteen, I think. Like none of her adult life ever happened, so none of it could hurt her. I didn't know what else to do, I couldn't look after her by myself. It tore my heart to pieces the day I left her in that place- that institute- so I joined the military."

"What happened to that? You're not wearing Alliance uniform."

"In my training, they found I had this talent, a gift, they called it, for weapons engineering and computer systems. So I was put in their special little classes, then eventually assigned to their pet project, this new ship. The Normandy they called it, some sort of poor throwback to one of humanity's great wars with itself. Supposed to be our saviour, the Normandy, get us into a good position with the Council, secure our future. I guess under Commander Shepard, it went on to save a whole lot more than a few political butts."

"I've met Shepard. He was an impressive man, for a human. Balls like a krogan but sharp as a salarian when it mattered."

"That's Shepard all right." Lil's admiration for her Commander lightened her mood a little, and she was finding it easier to talk about her life. "I served with him under Captain Anderson right up until Shepard got that ship for his own. I was sort of sad to see her go, she had a good crew and damn if I didn't see parts of that ship as my babies. I helped nurture her from ideas on paper to the best ship in the Alliance fleet."

"Why'd you leave? Sounds like you had it good on the Normandy."

"Job offer of a lifetime. Cerberus wanted me, head-hunted me, for my skills, to work on things that would actually test me and eventually, to build another FTL drive ship, bigger and better than the Alliance's. That's pretty much where I am now. When Cerberus rebuilt Shepard after the first Normandy was attacked, he took one look at the staff list and asked for me personally to be on his crew."

"Everything sounds so peachy, the way you tell it, so what went wrong?"

"Well, Shepard travelled the galaxies on intel from Cerberus, investigating the disappearances of human colonies. It turns out Collectors aren't a myth, and more than that, they're the ones behind the abductions of entire colonies!"

"There's no smoke without a flame. And yet the Council have never acknowledged the Collectors could exist, just like they never accept anything that's not from their agents, their flawed intel."

"Don't get me started on the Council," Lil left hand curled around her glass, making a few hairline cracks appear with tiny chinking noises. "Bunch of over-stuffed, over-bred morons that won't even believe something exists when it's attacking the Citadel!"

"But what happened with the Collectors?" Aetheta's voice remained cool, soothing the first sparks of Lil's building rage.

"Shepard went to every corner of known space, picking up the most unlikely bunch of people you have ever seen. Fighters, scientists, an assassin, hell we even have a Justicar with us! And so we did the hero thing, investigating the Collectors, beating down rogue geth – hey did you know the geth we've been fighting these past few years aren't true geth? They're rebels! Ha! Anyway, we managed to get through the Omega relay and get into the Collectors base, storm it and save the humans they still had captive, yadda yadda. Then comes my big moment," staring into the bottom of her glass, Lil seemed reluctant to continue.

Aetheta watched as Lil slugged back the rest of her drink, then poured her a third, saying; "So let me guess, you did something heroic in the spur of the moment, you have no idea why, and now you're not so sure you're proud of it?"

"Pretty much," Lil wondered at the insights of the asari, "I dove in front of a rocket that would have killed Shepard for sure. Yeah, I should be happy that I survived, proud that I saved my commander's life, but I just can't."

"What price did you pay?" the asari looked down at Lil sympathetically, "There's always a price someone has to pay."

"I... I lost my arm. Well half of it," she raised her damaged arm, pulling the sleeve back to show the bartender.

"Doesn't look so bad."

"It's not, I guess. Cerberus has the best of everything, including doctors and cybernetics. Hell they rebuilt Shepard from being not much more than a smear on the face of a planet somewhere. But I can't help it. All this attention, I'm not used to it. I'm one of life's background people, a follower, not a leader and not a hero."

"I see your problem, and I'm afraid the only advice I can give you is to suck it up and get on with being a hero, at least on the surface. Let them praise you, name something after you and eventually you can go back to having some sort of normal life. They'll forget all about it in a couple of years, and all you have to do is act the part until then."

"I know, I guess I knew before. I just needed to hear it from somebody else. But I still don't like it, this isn't me, it isn't who I want to be!"

"But it is who you are now. Life's full of things we don't want to do, but to get anywhere, you just have to stick to it and get on with things. You really think I want to be tending a bar? No, but this is what life threw at me, so I make the most of it. Go bask in your heroic glory, or at least pretend to, before I have to kick you out of here."

"I suppose I should thank you," Lil said sheepishly, getting up from her seat and finishing her drink.

"Any time, kid." Aetheta flashed a knowing grin, took Lil's empty glass and turned back to cleaning the bar.


	9. Chapter 9

A few hours after leaving Eternity, Lil was sitting in one of the quieter parts of town, soaking in the peace of a rooftop public garden. She sat on a cool, blue metal bench that ran the entire length of one side of the garden. It was the side that gave the best view over the port of Nos Astra and out over the skyline of Illium. The thousands of high-rise buildings seemed to shimmer with pastel hues as Lil looked at them now that the sun was reaching it's zenith.

The fresh scent of the plants filled the slightly thinner air on top of the building, leaving Lil breathing deeply of their calming, soothing smells. The garden was obviously designed for peace and relaxation, the smooth curves of the flower beds complimented with warm shades in the gravel pathways and gentle curving artwork that seemed to mirror the grace of the asari themselves. The plants ranged from the unknown and exotic to the familiar; a yellow-flowered chamomile growing happily next to something with lilac leaves that grew low to the ground.

Whomever had designed the garden must have travelled the length and breadth of the known universe, seeking out plants which calm and soothe. 'What a wonderful job that would be,' Lil thought idly as she closed her eyes, letting the sun warm her face. She remembered how much her mother had loved their garden and how jealous some of the neighbours had been when she had managed to grow so many different plants in what was the quite poor soil of her old home on Earth.

"The secret is knowing the science behind it, Lil. Just like cooking, it's all just science." her mother had said to her one day. Helena had passed her love of science in the every day world to her daughter, and Lil found herself looking at the garden a little differently.

Leaning forwards with her elbows on her knees, she began to guess at the soil types in each bed from the few plants that she recognised. A few minutes passed and she was still struggling to categorise the fifth and final bed when a voice cut through her thoughts;

"Lil," it said slowly, "You're daydreaming again, aren't you?"

It took her a slow second to pull herself out of her thoughts, and to see Kelly stood beside her with a smile. "Oh, hey Kelly. I was just-"

"Lost in your own little world? Yeah you do that a lot you know," Kelly giggled. "But you're out of it now, so come on. We have a party to get ready for, remember?"

Lil groaned a little, "Yeah," she sighed, pushing herself up from the bench. Maybe this party would be hell, but then again maybe it would be the last chance she'd have in a while to let her hair down.

Back aboard the Normandy, Kelly had wrinkled her nose at Lil's wardrobe and dragged the engineer to her own quarters.

"We're about the same size, well maybe you're a little smaller, but it'll still work."

Lil had relented, knowing the yeoman would not let her off the ship unless she passed a Chambers Fashion Inspection. She'd been there before, every time she'd been out anywhere with Kelly. There was the usual rifling through clothes, trying on of outfits and both of the women complaining about some aspect of Lil's clothes.

It was a little over an hour later when the pair finally decided on a classic black dress that clung to Lil's upper body and hung loose and flowing past her hips and down to her knees. The dress showed off Lil's almost petite frame perfectly, accentuating the curves of her breasts with a low V-neckline and clinging to the subtle curve of her hips.

"You look gorgeous!" Kelly squealed when Lil came out of the bathroom in the black dress. "Of course I'll have to do something about your hair, and maybe a touch of make-up-"

"No! Kelly you know I don't do make-up!" Lil protested.

"That's why I'm going to do it for you!" there was no stopping Kelly's enthusiasm now, "Wearing a dress like that without fab make-up and hair would be a crime. You'll look so pretty! You'll be the belle of the ball, I promise!"

"Fine, but if I don't like it, I'm coming back to the ship!"

"You'll love it, I can guarantee it!" Kelly rushed over to her locker and started to sort through something Lil couldn't see. Lil sat down on the edge of Kelly's bed and prepared herself for the worst, but that was not the hair and make-up. Dressed like this, she couldn't possibly play the wallflower she usually did. She would attract attention like scavengers to a wreck.

As Kelly busied herself around Lil, the engineer couldn't focus, the world suddenly seemed like a dream, or maybe even a nightmare. She allowed her conscious mind to wander out to the stars she could see through the porthole. Not thinking about what was going on around her as Kelly flitted backwards and forwards across the room, Lil unconsciously nodded and mildly agree with everything Kelly said. Only when the yeoman pronounced her friend beautiful and ready did her mind come back to her.

As she looked in the mirror, Lillabeth White was barely recognisable in front of her. Her shoulder-length auburn hair, normally tied back in a short ponytail was now tousled into large waves, with two soft curls framing her face. Her green eyes framed with smokey grey seemed bright and piercing. She really did look every bit as stunning as her friend had promised.

"Oh, Kelly," Lil's voice was breathy, her eyes glassy with welling tears, "I look – oh thank you!" Looking again at herself in the mirror, turning from side to side, Lil thought that this party might actually be fun, a distraction at worst. One thing was certain though, looking like this, she would not disappoint anyone.


	10. Chapter 10

Yeoman Chambers had hired out all of a small club called Rio's in one of the slightly less fashionable parts of the Market District. The music was quiet as they walked in and they were greeted by Kelly's friend Sofie.

"Hey Kelly, and you must be Lil!" she pulled an unwitting Lil into a hug, "So great to meet you! Kelly says you're a great friend and wow you look gorgeous!" Sofie continued to talk faster than Lil had thought was possible as she ushered them over to a table where nibbles had been laid out and a bottle of something was in a cooler.

"Chardonnay, shipped in from Earth last week for a taste of home!" Sofie squealed as she picked the bottle out of the cooler. She poured the three of them drinks into tall stemmed, cylindrical glasses, before seating herself next to Kelly on a black sofa.

"So, how'd you manage to book this place on a busy night?" Lil asked before taking a sip of wine and letting the almost sour flavour linger on her tongue before swallowing it slowly, allowing it to warm her throat.

"Well, Rio and I have been sort of... dating for over a year now, and when I told him you were going to be here, he insisted we have the place for ourselves!" Sofie replied, "Only the best for the hero of the hour!"

Kelly made cooing noises as her friend spoke, then broke in with a tide of questions, answering half of them herself before Sofie could even part her lips. Lil took advantage of the other two women's' conversation to start slaking the hunger she had not noticed until now. Having not eaten all day from nerves, she began to scoff down the nibbles on the plate in front of her. She had no idea what the beautifully crafted food was, but they were delicious, and at that moment, she could have chewed the leg off a varren. A few minutes later, as Lil was chewing casually on a breadstick, Sofie's happy giggle broke her food trance.

"Here he is now, speak of the devil!" she said, bounding off to embrace a turian who had just walked out of the staff door and into the club. The couple then walked over to Lils table arm in arm.

"Kelly, Lil, this is Rio." Sofie introduced the turian.

"Nice to meet you," Lil mumbled, Kelly simply smiled politely but her eyes were glazed, watching every move Rio made as he stooped to pick up the crumb-filled platter from the low table.

"You must be Kelly and Lil, Sofie told me all about you," Rio's voice was smooth as he smiled the way only a turian can.

"Nothing bad, I hope," Kelly finally said with a giggle.

"Anyone who likes my food that much can't be bad at all," he waved the empty platter and Lil looked a little sheepish. She didn't know if the other two women had even had a chance to try anything.

"Well, I have to get going, things still to organise for tonight. Great to meet you two and I'll see you tonight." Rio left with a wink to go back into the staff door.

After a moment, Kelly regained her composure,

"Wow," she said, "Sofie, he is gorgeous! What a catch!" the two women squealed as Lil leaned back on the sofa and sipped at her drink, trying her best to keep out of that particular discussion. Unfortunately, after a few minutes of excited chatter, Lil's attempt failed.

"So, what do you think, Lil? Sofie thinks that turians are best but I still say the asari are way sexier!" Kelly was so close to the engineer that she was almost leaning on her, making Lil even more uncomfortable.

"Erm, I dunno. I just don't find aliens all that attractive, sorry." seeing the look on Sofie's face, she hurried to add, "It's not like racism, species-ism or whatever. They just don't do it for me."

"Oh well," Kelly smiled, her persistent optimism overriding anything else she might have thought, "We'd better hope there's some hot human guys for you to dance with tonight!"

"Just exactly how many people did you invite?"

"Hmm, just the Normandy crew, and a few friends and maybe some of their friends..." Kelly trailed off with a smile and a shrug.

"You said it was going to be a small party!" Lil protested, "I should have known, with the club and the dress and everything!" she drained her glass quickly and poured herself more wine before flopping back onto the sofa, defeated in her battle with the inevitable fame her actions had brought. Tonight was going to be a long night.


	11. Chapter 11

The music had been turned up and the club was beginning to fill with the heat and chatter of people. Lil maintained her place on the sofa at the back of the room as Sofie and Kelly took to greeting guests at the door and mingling for the latest gossip. Luckily for her, Shepard had just arrived, taking the curious glances away from her, and of course her Commander was used to the limelight, being one of humanity's more decorated heroes.

Most of the guest arrived around the same time, making the club suddenly throb with life. Kelly came over to Lil's sofa as her friend greeted the last of a large group that had just entered the club.

"You can't hide back here any more," Kelly said, leaning on the arm of the sofa. "It's time for you to do the rounds." Taking one look at the engineer's face she added, "Don't look so scared, I'll hold your hand and it'll be over before you know it."

Grabbing Lil by the hand, Kelly all but lifted the reluctant heroine to her feet, a determined smile on her face as she pulled Lil towards the throng of chattering guests. The first group that Kelly introduced her to was a turian dignitary and an asari consort along with their entourage of at least eight others who were constantly fawning over the two VIPs and taking notes on everything that was said. Thankful that her first encounter was only a few generic questions, Lil almost relaxed a little, letting herself be guided by her friend the yeoman, she could get through this and it may not be as bad as she imagined.

The next few meetings went smoothly and Kelly congratulated her friend as they made their way over to the other side of the room and to hopefully the last batch of questions tonight. The man in a perfectly pressed Alliance dress uniform needed no introduction. He was Admiral Anders, the man in charge of virtually all Alliance Military stationed on earth and one of the best damn defensive tacticians in the galaxy. He took the defence of his home planet as seriously as possible and Lil was surprised to even see him outside of the Sol system.

"On a tour of security liaisons," he said, his deep voice booming from his chest. "Shaping up defence in all of Citadel space if those damn geth are going to attack again."

Lil had gone past the stage of trying to correct people that it was the Reapers that were now the biggest threat to all organic life and, casting her mind back to Legion in their final push, that some of the geth were actually on the same side as humanity in the big picture. Nodding politely as the Admiral began his long-winded explanation of how he thought he could improve the galaxy's security, Lil's eyes began to wonder around the room. Everyone seemed to be standing in small groups, chatting loudly over the music. Her eyes caught Rio moving between groups with a platter of delicious looking snacks and her gaze followed the plate past several people before being distracted by a familiar, green face.

It was Thane Krios. He was stood with a drink in hand, talking to an asari with his usual cool, smooth movements. Although his lips moved and he appeared to be paying attention to the woman he was talking to, his cold, black eyes were most definitely on Lil. Seeing her notice his gaze, he smoothly turned to another nearby guest to speak to them as if nothing had happened. Lil was left with what could have been a chill of fear or a thrill of excitement, in the heat of the club she couldn't quite tell.

Turning her attention back to the Admiral, she found him winding up his speech and at his last words; she made a few polite comments and excused herself, pulling Kelly with her to the quietest part of the room.

"Kelly, there's something weird going on," she said in a hushed voice, barely audible over the music as she grasped her best friend's arm.

"Huh?" Kelly seemed puzzled, "Like what? I thought everything was going fine," she motioned to the room, "Everyone seems to be getting on, there's no f-"

"It's not the party," Lil cut her off, sounding urgent. "It's that drell guy. There's something weird about him."

"Who Thane? Well yeah he's a little different to a lot of people but he's not –"

"No, Kelly. He keeps staring at me. I think he's obsessed with me or something."

"Oh," Kelly went quiet got a few minutes, her eyes scanning the room for Thane. Finding him talking sedately with Commander Shepard, she frowned. "Are you sure? You're not imagining it or something? Did you take a bump to the head on the collector base? 'Cos I know he's the mysteriously sexy type but honestly I just don't think he's into women at the minute, or men, you know, whatever."

"I'm telling you he keep staring at me! And the other day when I couldn't sleep, I met him and it was like he was trying to get me to stay and talk to him. It's all kinda creeping me out. Those huge black eyes following me."

"Hey did you know his eyes are actually green? All that black is just an evolved sun filter from back when-"

"God Kelly! You always have to get distracted when I'm talking about something important! I'm going outside for some fresh air!" Lil strode out of the club, ignoring several questions and the faint apology from her friend as she made it to the door.

Once outside, the cool air was heavenly against the angry flush of her skin. Breathing in the cold scent of the night air quickly dissipated her rage, but it left her with confusion. Why should a man so well-travelled, who had met so many great people as Thane had, be interested in her for whatever reason? She wasn't remarkable when you really thought about it, just a normal soldier who acted on instinct in the battle field. Or was it something more sinister? Was it that she was his next target and like some monstrous cat he was toying with this prey until he became bored?

'Oh lord,' Lil thought. 'What if he took another contract since we came back? Would he turn against people he had worked with? He was an assassin right, and assassins worked alone, for the money, didn't they? I've never heard of a loyal assassin.' Lil began pacing up and down the railing, the cool air suddenly feeling sharp in her throat. So many thoughts swirling around in her mind, what-ifs mixing with whys and hows, which it made her feel nauseous. Grasping the handrail, her breath came in gasps and her head spun as she struggled to make sense of anything that had happened in the last few weeks.

A hand touched Lil's shoulder and without thinking she turned, grabbed the arm and sweeping her feet out as she slid sideways and twisted the arm backwards at the same time, leaving her would-be attacker face down on the floor, with her knee to their spine. Releasing a breath she hadn't realised that she was holding, Lil finally saw with a lurch of her stomach that her attacker was none other than the drell assassin.

There was a muffled grunt as Lil pushed herself off Thane and backed away until her back hit the balcony rail.

"Oh god," she gasped through her hand, "I'm sorry," she said uncertainly as Thane turned over and sat up, his expression surprised.

"Well that wasn't one of the reactions I had expected." He chuckled, an unusual sound that Lil was sure she had never heard before. Coming from deep within his chest, it was an amazingly genuine laugh that was mirrored in his smile as he gracefully rose to his feet. "I just wanted to talk to you," he straightened his jacket, "I felt that things were a little awkward last time we spoke, though I think you may have just outdone yourself."

"I... uh – you're not going to try and kill me?"

Thane laughed again, louder this time and the sound was so lovely that it made Lil feel even more embarrassed and awkward. "Of course not," he stepped forwards, coming to stand against the balcony rail a short distance away from her. "I respect you too much to ever take a contract for your life. On the contrary, I would make it my personal business to hunt anyone that made an attempt on your life, or that of any of Shepard's crew."

"Wow, that's – well now I feel really stupid." Lil turned to look over the Illium vista, not wanting to meet Thane's black eyes and wishing that the alcohol had not loosed her tongue so much. "But you were acting so, well no offence but, really weird. I don't know you very well but, you know." She shrugged.

"I admit, I have not been my usual self lately, and I don't quite know what has come over me." He turned to face the club door, he too avoiding eye contact. "I find myself somewhat entranced by you, obsessed almost." He paused for a long moment, "I've only felt like this once before, and that was when I first saw my wife." Thane's eyes glazed over as in the moment of silence between them, his lips moved as if whispering, but he made no sound.

"Um, Kelly told me you had a wife and that she passed some time back. Do you still miss her?" Lil said, wanting to break the silence but cursing herself for picking such an awkward topic.

"Every day." Thane said quietly, "Irikah was a very large part of my life and when she was killed I shut that part of me away. I went back into my battle sleep and I have not long awoken and realised what I lost.

"My mum – my mother reacted sort of like that when my dad was killed, but she hasn't come back from wherever her mind went to. Sometimes I can see her like she used to be, just it never lats. But it helps, I guess, to know that she's there, under the surface."

"I realise now how hard it must have been on my son to effectively have lost both parents at once. Commander Shepard has been helping me to start building bridges with Kolyat before things went too far. He was... trying to be more like me so that I would notice him. It honestly scared me to see myself so clearly in him."

"I can tell you from experience it will have hit him hard, but also that it'll get better between you two. You just need to give it time, keep talking to him; he'll come around when he's ready. It'll work out for the both of you."

"I am not one to hold hopes, but I do think Kolyat is back on the right road in his life." Thane went quiet for a moment before turning to Lil. "You really are wise beyond your years, Lillabeth, it's one of the things I admire about you. I wish I knew what I do now when I was your age."

"Wise, eh?" Lil smiled to herself at the ridiculous thought, "Well I wish some of my senior officers in the past had shared that delusion. I'm not wise, I just... well I just deal with things, I don't see the point in overcomplicating most things with emotions. I've been called bookish, shy and even cold, but never wise before now."

"Maybe they were simply misinterpreting what I can see in you. After all, I too prefer to deal with most situations... practically. We are kindred souls, I think."

"I don't know," Lil said quietly, "You couldn't fret over petty doubts or you'd never be able to do what you do. I feel so guilty for ever thinking things might be better if I hadn't done what I did. Of course it wouldn't be better, sure I might still have my arm but I'd probably be a mindless Collector slave, or dead. And Shepard and you and everyone else would be dead too." Lil closed her eyes against the sting of tears, turning her head away so that Thane would not see.

"It's natural to have doubts, Lillabeth. I have been trained almost all of my life in how to suppress doubts, questions and anything that could distract me." Thane sighed softly, "In fact I envy you for that. Sometimes I don't feel like a real person, just a tool for killing. But helping with Shepard and the rest of the crew, is teaching me more and more about life outside of the next job."

Lil smiled a little, opened her eyes to look out onto the vista. "He does have a way with people. Bringing us all together for this one big cause. We're such an unlikely crew, and working for Cerberus too! Well I guess that bit is over now." She snorted with a laugh, "Kelly told me how Shepard stuck it to that Illusive Man."

"Yes, ironic isn't it, that the Illusive Man was the one who was tricked in the end?"

"Oh no!" Lil spun around quickly, "I just realised, I left Kelly in there after I shouted at her. God she'll be putting up with all sorts of awkward questions for me." She began to walk back to the club quickly, looking over her shoulder as she shouted back, "I'm sorry, I have to get back but we should talk more some time!"

"I hope that we do," Thane said, turning back to the view and whispering to himself, "Gods permitting, I would like nothing more."


End file.
